Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The most anticlimactic film EVER: B*ll$h*t! I'M A TRIAD!!!

OK. Before we go bonkers over this week's film, we want to preface this post with a clear and loud proclamation for our love of Chow Yun-Fat. He's skilled. He's adorable. He's starred in like 80 bajillion films (109 in reality), and he rocks in them all...

except this one.

The Triads: The Inside Story is in fact THE MOST anticlimactic film in the whole of Chow Yun-Fat's career. So anticlimactic in fact that there are no photos for us to post here. Really. We mean it. It's as though the whole universe has taken great lengths to wipe this film off of his record.


You KNOW he has skills. You KNOW he could punch that guy while doing a triple back flip. You know that he could take that thing over there and beat the living &%$*&@#$ out of that guy right here.

Instead, he sort of kitty slaps at people and tries to make peace amongst Triad members and rivals.

MY GOD!!! I (Kelly) almost needed to find a Tony Jaa power montage to level me back out!!

So. Chow Yun-Fat = Good. The Triads = Bad. And not BAD good. We're talking BAD bad. Like, you WILL be disappointed. And confused. But mostly disappointed.

True story.

OK. So here's the skinny. Chow Yun Fat, who is living in America, is the son of a senior triad member back in China. His dad gets whacked, and he is next in line to take control of the triad. But, he doesn't really want to as he is a straight shooter and a real estate agent. And, they make it abundantly clear in the beginning of the film that he is just not Chinese mob material. He likes penny loafers and suburban living too much.


Ok, so through a series of foiled attempts, miscommunications, a consistently shouting guy with a bad temper, and just straight up bad judgement, this movie sort of unravels like a cheap sweater, ending with a strange low speed chase in vague, gold, mercedes through a cramped shipping yard.

Ultimately, we don't recommend this movie. Sure, it had some great interjected comedy moments on our behalf... but just don't.


Put down the remote.

We warned you.

- The Mavens